Well...
Here goes. Typical 35 year old lady freak out. But I was reading one of those trashy novels earlier today... and they said something to the effect of life is not lived without risk. Which EVERYONE knows this, right? You don't get through your first five years of life without learning to take risks. But somewhere later, your risks become easier. They become the risks that everyone takes. The risk is the life. Do you risk yourself to become married? Do you risk yourself to become a parent? Do you risk yourself to think a different thought about something you feel like you know you knew the answer to?
But it's also a risk to not do those things. To forsake the marriage. To forsake the children. To change an opinion you were holding onto so hard your hands went numb.
So I am falling into this thought circle of wanting to take more risks... not the daredevil kinds of things that could end my life... but I'm talking simply smiling more. Sounds sad, but I walk, head down, much of the time, just trying to get from here to there. There are no flowers, there are no cloud shapes, there is only the distance from A to B. Sad. I keep missing so many beautiful things by lacking the ability to risk just.looking.up every once in a while.
I do however, risk my life everyday. By continuing to be overweight. By continuing to do nothing in regards to my health. So new risks (or possibly habits, whatever you want to call them) need to be in place. It's a risk to go to the gym. Dare I say it, it's a risk to want to feel attractive. It's a risk to do something about my body, because then I might have to do something with it. It's a very complicated risk, with much maneuvering and much soul searching and much reasoning. But at the end of the day, I'm just sure it's worth the risk. But... there is that catch. What is holding me back from being something different than I am now?
I was willing to risk my career and change it completely and go back to school at the age of 35 and make a complete change. But I'm not willing to make the complete change with my body? Sad state of events there.
This is the opportunity of a lifetime... and taking the risk could mean extending the lifetime. Who knows what will happen. If only I can convince myself to make the leap.
J.
